


Already Home

by Loth-Cat (Starbird)



Series: Just This Night [4]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: (Because This Isn’t That Type of Fic), (I am No Zahn), Angst, F/M, Fluff, Massively Glossing Over Whatever Happened with Thrawn, Mutual Pining, Non-Explicit Sex, Old Expanded Universe, Playing Loose and Fast with Old EU Canon Because I Don’t Remember It All, Rating Will Probbbbbably Change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2020-01-31 08:08:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18587221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starbird/pseuds/Loth-Cat
Summary: After returning from the Unknown Regions, Sabine and Ezra try to get their relationship back to where it was before he disappeared five years ago. It turns out to be a lot more difficult than they thought it would be, especially when Sabine realizes he’s put up a block against her via their Force connection – a block he later realizes he doesn’t know how to remove.Once they get things back on track, the Council sends them on a mission to root out an Imperial mole on a fledgling New Republic planet.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The summary is shaky right now, but I plan to update it as I get further into the fic. Been focusing on the Sabezra relationship, so the mission-y stuff hasn’t been on the front burner lol. 
> 
> Also, fair warning that this is pretty angsty for a bit. I didn't want it to be that way, but it just came out that way. Too, much as I would LOVE things to be easy for them, given the circumstances, I just felt like it would realistically be pretty difficult, so...sorry. :( Hope it turned out all right. I'm not 100% happy with it, tbh.
> 
> Title from [the song by A Great Big World](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kz9UBfXmXsM). I love this song for them. So. Perfect. <3 <3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sabine, Ezra, and Ahsoka return from the Unknown Regions. It’s all a lot more difficult than Sabine anticipated.

_You say that it's hard to commit to it_   
_You say that it's hard standing still_   
_Don't you know that I spend all my nights_   
_Counting backwards the days 'til I'm home?_

_When life takes its own course_   
_Sometimes we just don't get to choose_   
_I'd rather be there next to you_   
_Promise you'll wait for me, wait for me_   
_Wait 'til I'm home_

_-Sabine-_

 

He wasn’t what she expected. But then, she hadn’t known _what_ to expect. The trip back from the Unknown Regions had been mostly quiet. After five months of searching for Ezra, Sabine had so many questions for him, so much she wanted to say, but when she finally saw him…she could say none of it. Words fled her. All she could do was hug him tight, get him onto the shuttle with Ahsoka, and jet away from that Force-forsaken part of space as fast as possible.

He hadn’t talked about what had happened. Neither she nor Ahsoka pressed it.

Ahsoka had a calming presence, and Sabine had enjoyed – as much as she could – being around her while searching for Ezra. She hadn’t opened up to the Togruta much during those five months, feeling like if she did, the floodgates holding back all her emotions would burst and she’d admit everything she had been trying desperately to hold back. For almost five and a half years she and Ezra had been apart, and she’d occupied herself during that time by taking care of his people and his planet. It was her duty to him, and it was a good distraction.

The New Republic was currently based on Chandrila until plans could be made to retake Coruscant and establish a government in place of the Empire. When they landed, soldiers hurried Ezra off to debriefing, the ship still powering down behind them. Sabine looked behind her at Ahsoka, who rested her hand on her shoulder. “They want to know everything,” she said in her soothing voice. “He’ll be back again soon.”

Sabine nodded and clasped her elbows tightly in her hands, staring down at the floor of the hangar. “It’s different,” she said. “I didn’t expect it to be like this.”

“What did you expect of your friend?”

 _Friend._ The word stung, but Sabine had the feeling Ahsoka was just being polite. Not prying.

It probably wouldn’t have stung quite so much if Sabine could have felt that Force connection to Ezra that she’d felt those precious few weeks they’d had together before he disappeared with the purrgil. When they’d reunited, she’d felt it a little, but…mostly he had been closed off. Deliberately.

“I guess…for things to just go back to normal,” Sabine admitted. “It’s stupid, I know. I’m not a kid; I should know better. I know people change, and whatever he went through… It can’t have been easy.”

“Sabine!”

She looked up to see Hera and Zeb running straight toward her.

“Is it true?” Zeb asked. “Is the kid back?”

Sabine nodded and palmed at her eye, which felt watery for some reason. “Yes,” she said, forcing her voice to sound strong. She cleared her throat. “Yes. The Council whisked him off to Force knows where, probably to some bunker to interrogate him for five days.”

Hera sighed. “I’m sure that’s not too much of an exaggeration. Is he doing all right?”

Sabine shrugged. “I guess? We didn’t talk much. He didn’t seem to want to.”

Hera nodded and clasped Sabine’s arm. “They’re going to watch him ’round the clock, but we’ll see him again soon. At least he’s home.”

She had a point, and Sabine’s heart lightened a bit. “Yeah,” she said. “You’re right.” She looked over at Zeb with a smile. “At any rate, I could use a bite to eat and some target practice. You game?”

* * *

“Hey, Sabine! Sabine.”

Sabine sighed and dropped her head as she walked along the corridor of the base. This had been happening all afternoon since she and Ahsoka had returned with Ezra. _Everyone_ wanted to know. It was good – great, actually – but she was emotionally worn out.

 _Emotional over_ nothing, she told herself. _Get it together._

However, this voice was a more welcome one, just one she hadn’t recognized immediately in her fatigue and state of distraction. Wedge Antilles caught up with her, dressed in his orange flightsuit.

“Back from simming?” she asked as they walked. He nodded.

“Yes,” he said. “The _Redemption_ scenario.”

Sabine winced. “Ouch.”

He shrugged and looked down. “Not so bad this time. At some point we’re going to have to put together a more cohesive squadron, probably based on politics and all that nonsense, so… I’ll take this while I can.”

“With you in the lead?”

“That’s the plan.”

“Good. I’m glad to hear it.”

“Thanks.” Wedge fidgeted with his helmet, turning it over in his hands. He’d never been one for compliments, maintaining less of an ego than most of the fighter pilots Sabine knew. “I heard Bridger’s back.”

“You and everybody else.”

“Sorry.”

Sabine waved it off. “No, it’s…it’s fine. Everyone just wants to pump me for information. I know you won’t,” she clarified as she glanced at him sidelong and he gave her a smile. They’d bonded briefly but quickly when she’d helped extract him from Skystrike Academy, and they’d developed a friendship over the years, little though they saw each other.

“It’s good, though,” Wedge said. “It’s a good thing he’s back. Having another Jedi here… And Luke, well, he’s happy about it.”

Sabine hadn’t put much thought into that, but she shifted her mind to it for a moment. “Yes…” she said cautiously. “Just as long as Luke doesn’t try to take the place of Kanan.”

“I don’t think he would. No one could.”

Sabine allowed herself to feel morose, letting the wave of melancholy wash over her. It had never quite gone away, and she expected it never would.

Wedge’s comm pinged, and he reached out to squeeze her shoulder. “Listen,” he said, “I’ve got to go, but you’ll comm me if you need a drink?”

Sabine nodded, meaning it. “I will. Thank you, Wedge.”

He returned her nod and ran off down a side hallway. Sabine continued on to her quarters.

Once there, she let herself in and locked the door, then sat on her bunk and stared at nothing. How was it possible, she wondered, to feel even more loneliness when the one person you wanted back, was back with you?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the Council finally finishes up with him, Ezra meets an ally he didn’t expect to find. And gets a haircut, because it’s been a very long while.

_-Ezra-_

 

It had been at least twenty-four hours since both the Council and High Command had started grilling him. It wasn’t all bad, he reflected. They gave him food – a lot of food – medical care, and rest. They also gave him a chance to shave, something he greatly appreciated given that he hadn’t had much of a chance to do it over the last five years and he generally felt pretty disgusting in that regard. At some point he’d have to cut his hair, which had gotten way too long.

So yes. The higher-ups had been taking good care of him.

In between asking him a thousand and one questions.

Late the next night when they released him for the day (a guard would get him at 0600 the next morning), he left the confining air of the base for the cooler, clearer air of the outdoors. He walked in the balmgrass until he’d gotten far enough away that the presences inside dimmed in the Force, and he didn’t feel them all honing in on him all the time.

Then he sat down, drew his knees up, and rested his cheek on his crossed arms. Closed his eyes, took a deep breath, let it out, and tried not to think.

The problem was…thoughts kept intruding.

The Council and High Command had pretty much stripped all his memories of Thrawn and the Unknown Regions from his mind, and tomorrow, they wanted to debrief more about it and speculate and hypothesize and theorize and he didn’t want to be part of any of it right now. Ezra needed a _break_ , after four years of fighting with the _Ghost_ crew and then five years nonstop of being out in the Unknown Regions. Coming back to the Alliance – the New Republic, rather – should have been easier; in some ways, it wasn’t. He’d gotten used to the uncomfortable reality of his life and the new fight he’d put his own self in – which didn’t mean he liked it, but it was his new normal.

In a word, being back was _jarring_. And not nearly as easy as he’d thought it would be. Or what he expected.

Sabine was everything he expected.

Methodical in her search, unfailing, reliable, steadfast. _I know I can count on you._ Had she known, then, what he had meant?

The trip back to Chandrila had been quiet. He, Sabine, and Ahsoka had barely spoken. Mostly he’d slept, with the occasional Force trance here and there. He didn’t _want_ to be awake, even with Sabine nearby. Having her presence back again soothed him enough.

Until he shut her out.

In time, they’d talk, but for now, he had to do this on his own.

Ezra took another deep breath, held it, let it out again with a four-count. A light wind rustled through the balmgrass, making him shiver a little to feel it again. It had been a long time since he’d felt wind like that. A long time since he’d felt _anything_ comforting. Over the years, his mind had replayed the same scenes over and over and over, moments of camaraderie with his _Ghost_ family, quiet moments with Sabine off-mission, annoying stunts Chopper pulled that he missed desperately once he was gone. But the memories he returned to most of all were the ones of their few weeks together as a couple, when she’d given him a chance and he’d taken it, and he hadn’t messed it up and it had looked like they really had a future for them that was romantic instead of platonic.

Over time, though, as if he’d played the same recording too many times, the memories, especially the one of their one night together, had begun to fade, fuzzing out in his mind so only glimpses remained, rather than the whole picture. Even the sense memories had long left him, as the days had grown lonelier over the five long years he’d been gone.

Even the vision he’d had of him, Sabine, and a baby in a home on Lothal had begun to leave him.

He had started to forget.

He didn’t want to. Never. But over time it just became too painful to keep returning to those memories when he began to wonder if he’d ever get that chance back. It was cruel, that this had been taken from him when so much else already had, that they’d be given this chance only for it to be torn away so soon after. It just seemed to him anymore that it was _better_ to forget, to go back to the way things were. To acknowledge that what they had was special, yes, but…sometimes people’s timing just never lined up quite right, and opportunities passed them by.

Although that didn’t explain the intense bond that had opened up between them through the Force, or the way it somehow flowed back the other way just a bit toward her so that she could sense things about him, too.

At any rate, he sure as hell didn’t expect that she hadn’t been with anyone in all that time. Sabine had always been beautiful, and the last five years had been even more generous to her. Why would she wait for him?

Ezra squeezed his eyes shut, trying to force back the swell of emotions that thought caused.

 _Let it go, Ezra,_ he told himself. _Let. It. Go._

“Ezra?”

He looked up, startled, and turned around. Behind him stood someone he didn’t know, not that that meant anything. He didn’t know anyone here. The man had sandy blond hair and dressed in casual trousers, shirt, jacket, and knee-high boots. And glinting in the moonlight at his hip…

Ezra’s eyes widened. A _lightsaber_?

The man nodded to indicate a spot next to Ezra. “May I join you?”

“Yeah, sure,” Ezra said. He watched as the man came over, gently lowering himself into the balmgrass. “Who are you?”

“I’m Luke. You have a lot to catch up on, but I’m sure the Council’s been keeping you busy.”

Ezra snorted and looked away, laying his head back down on his arms again.

“What you did takes a lot of skill and strength. And courage.”

Ezra didn’t need this right now. He didn’t want the kid gloves. “You’re a Jedi,” he said, still faced away. “Did you know my master?”

“I didn’t,” Luke said. “I wish I had. He was before my time.”

Ezra frowned and looked back at Luke. “You’re a _new_ Jedi?”

Luke nodded. “Yes. Obi-Wan was my first master, then Yoda for a little while.” He fell silent, perhaps letting the information sink in. “I know readjusting back to this life is going to be difficult for you, so I won’t stay too much longer. But I wanted to let you know that Leia is my sister, and if the Council is putting you through too much right now, or if there’s anything I can do for you…I’ll do what I can.”

Ezra nodded, touched by the gesture. “Thanks. I can’t think of anything right now, but…thanks.”

Luke stood and dusted himself off. “It’ll get easier with time, as they always say. And if that’s moving too slowly for you…” He shrugged. “I could always use a sparring partner.”

Ezra returned the smile Luke gave him, and his heart lightened, just a little.

* * *

“There’s some scar tissue,” Dr. Inek said as she reviewed the scan of Ezra’s left shoulder where he’d gotten shot on the bridge of the _Chimaera_ five years ago facing Thrawn down. “But it looks like some preliminary healing measures were put into place?”

Ezra shrugged. “I guess you could say that. Just some Force healing.”

Inek stared at him for a moment, lips pursed. She had her brunette hair tied low at the nape of her neck in a tail, and she looked far too severe for this conversation.

“I see,” she said, like Force healing wasn’t approved by her board or whatever associations she was a part of and therefore, totally bunk and unacceptable. She looked back at the scan on the datapad. “Any pain in the joint?”

“It gets a little stiff. Sore, too, sometimes, if I use it too much.” Which, really, was an understatement.

The doctor put the datapad down and took Ezra’s hand and elbow, manipulating the arm and shoulder around for a couple minutes.

“Well, I’m not seeing anything concerning,” she said. “All in all, it looks like you were pretty lucky when you were shot.”

 _All in all,_ he thought.

“I’ll give you some exercises you can do on your own time,” Inek continued, “plus some anti-inflammatories. Use heat or ice when it hurts. Whichever feels better. You should expect some improvement in about six weeks, but keep up on the exercises.”

“Thanks,” Ezra said as he picked his shirt up. The doctor nodded and left the exam room.

Twenty minutes later, after a physical therapist had given him exercises and a nurse pushed a bottle of medicine into his hand that he didn’t want, he left the medbay. The Council and High Command had _finally_ finished with him that morning, after which he’d headed straight to the medbay to get his shoulder checked out. The news was better than he’d expected, although if there had been any major problems, he could have tried some more Force healing.

The problem with that was…he didn’t really know much about it.

Luke, though…he might…

People mostly left him alone as he made his way through the base to get his hair cut. The one lady there, middle-aged and kind-looking, flipped through screens on her datapad. When Ezra walked in, she glanced up.

“Hi, honey,” she said. “Need a trim?”

“Ah, no,” he replied, and gestured. “All of it. Off. As quickly as possible.”

“It’s awfully pretty.”

“I wasn’t going for pretty.”

She shrugged and got up from the chair. “Suit yourself.”

Ezra took a seat and watched in the mirror as she undid the tie and combed it out. It was past his shoulders now. He didn’t particularly care for the tired, thin face staring back at him. He looked so worn out, so dragged down. Pale. Unhappy. His twin scars seemed more prominent than usual, standing out in stark contrast to his skin.

After a few moments of reflection, he realized he didn’t hear any clippers going. The lady was still lovingly brushing his hair, the way others might brush a pet.

He did not feel like being a pet today.

“Can we get on with it, please?” he asked. “I really didn’t ask for it to be this length.”

The stylist sighed. “Men don’t know how good they have it. Do you know men’s hair grows quicker than women’s? The male human fighter pilots have the best hair, all of them, across the board. Only one whoever wants it longer is Wedge Antilles, bless him. He has lovely hair. Do you know him? I only got here a few months ago, so I don’t know anybody. Sabine Wren has great hair, too. What about her? Do you know her, honey?”

Ezra’s whole body jerked involuntarily at the mention of her name, causing the stylist to chastise him for moving when she was just about to start cutting.

“Yes,” he said quietly. “I know her.”

“Nice girl.”

Ezra just stared at his reflection, at the look on his face.

He liked what he was seeing less and less.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Others are worried about Sabine. She finally has a chance to talk to Ezra.

_-Sabine-_

Hera found Sabine in the hangar, sitting on a crate deep in thought as she turned a spare engine part over in her hands.

“Everything okay?” Hera asked as she walked up. “You don’t seem like yourself.”

“I’m okay,” Sabine replied. _Liar._

“This is about Ezra, isn’t it?”

Of course Hera knew. She always knew. Sabine said nothing and looked down at the part, turning it over again.

“He doesn’t seem that glad to be back,” she said.

“Give it time,” Hera said. “He needs space to breathe after what happened and after being gone that long. He’ll come around.”

“But what if he doesn’t? What if everything that happened…” She trailed off as she felt tears burn her eyes.

Hera took a seat on another crate next to her. “Sabine, I’m no expert in this stuff, but I can tell you what not to do. Don’t be like me and not tell him how you feel. I should’ve told Kanan every day. Now I never can.”

“Kanan knew, though.”

“Does Ezra know?”

Sabine shook her head, though it was more a response of frustration than an answer to Hera’s question.

“Sabine,” Hera said quietly, leaning forward and laying a gentle hand on her knee. “It’s been five years you’ve carried this around. Don’t let more time slip away.”

The tears finally fell. “It’s not the same,” Sabine said. “Something’s changed.”

“Of course it has. He was out in the Unknown Regions for all that time. A long time. By himself, with only that Sithspawned Thrawn for company. Even the purrgils would’ve left at some point, leaving him all alone.”

“He’s shut me out.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I _do_ know that,” Sabine snapped as she hurled the part at the floor. It clattered and bounced away, but it didn’t break. She felt a flash of embarrassment and irritation, and then quick shame. The New Republic didn’t have the kind of money and resources for her to be throwing temper tantrums and spare parts around just because she was upset over a boy. Crossing her arms and glaring at the part, she said, “We had this…this thing happened. Five years ago. I don’t know what it was, and I don’t think Ezra really knew, either. Some sort of Force bond, but different, because I’m not sensitive. Obviously, it worked a different way for him than for me, but for me, it was like I could read him better, get more gut feelings about him, understand him better, sense his moods and thoughts… It was like being psychic, but just toward him. I could even tell if he was really unsettled. He even woke me up once, that first night we were back on the _Ghost_.”

“Did you know he was going to leave?” Hera asked. Sabine shook her head.

“No,” she said quietly. “I had no idea. It was just as abrupt for me as for everyone else.”

A rush of air into the hangar preceded the arrival of six X-wings. Sabine shielded her eyes and watched them land, one of them showing off for any spectators.

“That’ll be Janson,” Hera said with an eyeroll.

“Mmhm.”

Hera patted her knee. “You know where to find me if you need to talk.”

Sabine looked over at her. “Yeah. Thanks, Hera.” She gave her as much of a smile as she could muster.

The Rogue Squadron pilots began to clamber down their ladders and grouped up for a quick chat. Sabine watched, noticing as usual how Elscol Loro stood right next to Wedge as he spoke. After the pilots dispersed, he turned to her, probably to give her the typical talking-to. A few minutes later, she nodded curtly and walked off. Wedge made his way over to Sabine, unhooking his life support gear as he did. Sabine arched a brow.

“Problem?” she asked.

“It takes time,” he said vaguely. Now Sabine rolled her eyes. Wedge was very private, especially with squadron business, but that seemed to be _everyone’s_ response lately.

“So I’ve heard.”

At her tone, Wedge looked up, pausing in the middle of fiddling with his gear. He eyed her for a moment. “You all right?”

Sabine threw up her hands and let them slap against her knees. “Of course I am. Of course I am!” She shot to her feet and began to march off. “Why does everyone think I’m _not_ all right?”

“Hey, slow down.” He caught up to her and took her elbow, then lowered his voice. “You’ve just seemed awful jumpy lately.” Gently, he tugged her to the side where they were partially concealed behind some stacks of crates. “It’s not like you, Sabine. I’m worried.”

“Well, don’t be,” she replied, but it didn’t come out nearly as snappish as she meant. “It’s nothing. I’ll work through it. It’s minor.”

Wedge peered closer at her. “Is someone bothering you? I can have it taken care of.”

Sabine smiled and raised her eyebrows. “I’m with Hera Syndulla _and_ I’m Mandalorian. You think I need _you_ taking care of things for me? An X-wing jockey?”

“Commander of Rogue Squadron,” he replied good-naturedly. “That counts for something.”

Sabine punched him in the arm for good measure and left the cover of the crates. “So what _are_ you guys up to anyway? That’s not classified,” she clarified.

“Not classified? Well, we’re going to Ralltiir for Hobbie’s birthday, probably going to stir up some trouble with the Ralltiiri resistance, see what we can do about the situation there. You should come along. It’ll be fun. Get your mind off things.”

Sabine was sorely tempted. She’d been gone with Ahsoka for five months searching for Ezra, and while it felt good to be back on solid ground again surrounded by friends, causing trouble sounded like a good distraction as well.

“We’ll let you blow up whatever you want…” Wedge teased.

“I do like blowing things up…” she replied thoughtfully. “Let me get back to you?”

“Sure. Still going to the range later tonight?”

“Yeah, if you think you can find it. Seeing as your blaster can’t find a mark to save your life.”

It was an empty insult, but a frequent one they exchanged. Wedge snorted and gave her a nudge with his shoulder, then said goodbye and picked up his pace to head away into the base. Sabine started down an adjoining hallway, not really sure where she was going, not really caring.

She didn’t get far when she heard her name.

Her feet paused at the same time her heart nearly stopped in her chest. Immediately she turned, to find Ezra at the entrance to the hallway. A smile leapt to her face, and she quickly retreated the dozen or so steps and flung her arms around him. He hugged her back, but not as tightly as he had before – when they were partners and certainly not when they were lovers for that brief time. An alarm went off in her head – along with the realization that again, she could barely feel that bond – but she squashed it down, tried to deny it.

“So they finally let you out, huh?” she said when they broke apart. She instinctively had her hand on his chest, but when his arms fell from her back, she dropped it. Her heart thudded again, but in a much different way. A worse way.

“Yeah,” he said. “Done with questioning. Now it’s up to them to decide what to do. Hopefully they’ll leave me alone now.”

“Doubt it. They’re going to want you back on missions pretty fast. Have you met Luke? Luke Skywalker?”

“The other day, yes.”

“Good.”

Ezra didn’t say anything else, instead looking distracted and not meeting her eyes.

“Something wrong?” Sabine asked, and glared at a soldier who shouldered past her in the hallway. It felt, now, that all she was doing was asking if something was wrong or being asked if something was wrong.

_Nothing is wrong!_

_Everything is wrong._

“No, not at all,” he said, but even she could feel the faint flicker that betrayed him. He glanced away, down the main hallway. “You know the X-wing pilots?”

Sabine frowned. He wasn’t…serious, was he? At any rate, he’d somehow learned how to be delicate when approaching difficult subjects. “Are you talking about Wedge?”

“I guess?”

Sabine scoffed. “Please. He’s my friend.”

“Are you going to go with him?”

“Were you eavesdropping?”

“I happened to overhear when I was looking for you.”

Sabine wasn’t sure if that annoyed her or gladdened her, knowing that he was jealous. On the one hand, it was ridiculous that he would be. Like she would want anyone else, or like he had to compare himself to anyone else, to any potential rival. On the other hand…it proved he still cared, and right now, she needed that to cling to.

“I don’t know,” she answered truthfully. “Seems like a good time, no?” Ezra didn’t reply, staring intently at the wall with the expression that said he was deep in thought. Sabine swept her eyes over him. “You cut your hair. Not as short as before, though.”

“Yeah.”

“It looks nice.”

“Thanks.”

“I could’ve done it for you, you know. Although the only thing wrong with it was split ends. I could’ve braided it up very nicely.”

Ezra scowled, the old personality coming back just a little bit. “Why does everyone keep saying that about my hair?”

Sabine chuckled and added that to her personal list of things that rankled him, for future reference.

“I actually did need to talk to you,” he said.

It didn’t sound like the kind of thing _she_ wanted to be talking about, but she tried to keep the disappointment out of her voice. “About what?”

Ezra ducked his head to hide his face, a clear sign of his shame. “The Council wants me to take a few days,” he mumbled. “Rest, recuperate, recover…”

“I don’t see the problem with that.”

“I guess I don’t either. I guess I don’t really know what I want.” He paused, and Sabine let him be. “I was thinking of going back to Lothal. I know you said you took care of it. I wanted to see how it looks. It’ll probably help me if I go back there for a bit.” When he looked back up at her, hope shone in his eyes. “I was wondering if you might want to go with me?”

To cover up the pain at his words – the hopeful tone, which indicated doubt that she would want to, the undercurrent of sadness, her own sadness at realizing their chance was long gone – she rolled her eyes. “You even had to ask? Of course I will. Where do you think I lived all this time?”

 _That_ took him by surprise, and she blushed. He hadn’t expected it.

“We can get going whenever,” Sabine added, this time covering up the way her throat closed up at the gratitude she now saw on his face. “Assuming they have a ship free. We can check with Control.”

They turned at the same time to leave the hallway and head back into the hangar. They’d only walked a short distance before Ezra spoke again.

“So he’s just a friend,” he said. “Wedge.”

Sabine slowed her steps and turned to him at the entrance to the hangar, a response ready on her lips. But when she saw how he looked – so small, unsure, drawn into himself – she closed her mouth.

“Ezra,” she said quietly. “There hasn’t been anyone else. I waited for you. Of course I did.”

He nodded, but he still seemed distracted. “It’s so weird being back,” he said. “I thought it would be so much easier. Now it seems like it would’ve been easier if I’d just stayed out there.”

“Hey.” Sabine grabbed him by the sleeve of his shirt and hauled him around the crates she and Wedge had just spoken behind earlier. Pushing him into the space, she said, “Don’t _ever_ think that. None of us knew where you went. We all wanted you back. This isn’t just about _you_.”

“Sabine,” he said tiredly, “I did what I had to do, for _everyone_. It wasn’t like it was a choice, or something I even wanted to be doing. You know that.”

“I’m not saying it was. But you can’t ignore the fact that you were missed and pretend like we were all better off, like you didn’t leave people behind saying ‘Where’s Ezra?’ every single day for five years. You think I liked it? You think I _liked_ being without you? After… _that_? What happened? No, I kriffing did not, thank you.”

His jaw dropped, and she realized she’d said too much. “I’m…sorry,” he said quietly. “It’s not what I wanted to do. I would’ve done anything to stay.”

Sabine couldn’t bear the look in his eyes, so she looked away and nodded quickly, compulsively. “I know. I know. I get it, I do. And anyway, it’s not about us. It’s about the galaxy, and the greater good, and freedom. It always has been.”

Ezra came closer to her, making the small space feel even smaller. “Did you think about us?” he asked. Sabine stared straight into his eyes.

“Every day, Ezra.”

His gaze was locked on hers, too, and right now, it was too much. She broke the contact and turned away. “I’ll go talk to Control about a ship. I need a few minutes to pack, and then we can go.”

_And after this trip…I really have no idea._


	4. Chapter 4

_-Ezra-_

As Ezra sat in the copilot’s seat and rotated his left shoulder in an effort to loosen it up (knots always settled worse in that one now, after he’d gotten shot), he thought back over the conversation with Sabine. It hadn’t gone the way he’d hoped. So far, nothing had. Everything, it seemed, was a mess. Sure, he wanted to go back to the way things were. Jump right back into where they left off before he disappeared with Thrawn, the purrgils, and the rest of the Seventh Fleet. But thinking all along as he had that that was even possible was so, so foolish.

On the bright side, Sabine seemed to have had the same foolish notions.

What he feared deep down was that they wouldn’t be able to connect anymore, that too much had changed in the time that he’d been away. That, and that she’d fallen in love with someone who was actually _there_ , not out in the far-flung regions of the galaxy battling evil with no word. He wouldn’t have blamed her one bit if she had. He hadn’t, after all, expected her to wait on him. He’d expected her to find him, yes…but he hadn’t expected her to save her heart for him.

He’d hoped she had. But he didn’t expect it. And picking up right where they’d left off was so incredibly far out of the question. Even having a simple conversation proved to be difficult, like they just kept missing each other with everything they said, like they just couldn’t get back into their easy rhythm.

It killed him that this had happened. It was worse than getting shot, worse than battling Thrawn, worse than being alone for years. Because he’d still carried her in his heart then, and now, he wondered…did she still carry him in hers, too?

They’d dressed in inconspicuous, casual clothing, their weapons hidden from sight under long jackets. No one Ezra knew from before on Lothal was even still alive, besides Ryder Azadi, and they hadn’t told him they were coming. For accommodations, they planned on staying at the old communications tower.

Sabine flicked on the lights, which took a minute to come to life. “All the comforts of home,” she said as they walked further in. Ezra looked around, noting the neatly made-up bed, fold-out table with a few boxes and cans of food, painting supplies, and cheap dishes. This…was not how he’d last seen it.

“You lived here?” he guessed. All those years, she’d _lived_ here? Made her home where he had, where he’d spent half his life at the time?

He felt more than saw her shrug, felt a flicker of something in her Force sense that he couldn’t identify. A thud on the ground indicated she’d dropped her duffel. “Cheapest rent in town,” she quipped.

Then his eyes landed on the giant mural on the wall of the entire _Ghost_ crew. Seeing an image of Kanan again punched him right in the gut, and his breath left him momentarily. He walked toward it, eyes taking in every detail. As he stared, he sensed Sabine walk up behind him.

“You like it?” she asked. He nodded.

“It’s beautiful,” he murmured, reaching a hand out to touch his image in the center. As soon as he did, he got a flash in his mind: Sabine painting this, happy to be working on it and honoring her family, but missing them, missing him most of all…

Ezra’s fingers fell away from the wall, and guilt washed through him.

“ _Force_ , I have a hell of a headache.” Fingers pressed to her head, Sabine turned and walked away from the wall. “Mind if I go for a walk? Some fresh air should clear it up.”

“Yeah,” he said distractedly, then upon realizing his answer, added, “No. I mean… Wait.” When he turned around, she stood over her duffel on the cheap bed, riffling through it. He approached warily, very aware of their odd stance with each other and how weird things were between them. He longed desperately for the way things used to be. “I have…something… Something I can try…”

Sabine turned to him with an arched brow. “Like knocking me unconscious? Because right now, I would go for that.”

“No, it’s… Can I?” Ezra held his hands up to indicate what he couldn’t articulate, and she glanced at one like it might bite her. She was wound so tight, she might strike _him_. But she sank onto the bed, and he sat next to her – keeping his distance. Extending his arms so he could put his fingers on her temples, he said, “It’s something Kanan taught me. I don’t have much ability with Force healing – I’m not naturally adept – but I think all Jedi have the basic ability to – ”

“Your voice,” Sabine said, “is not helping.”

He shut up, stung, but understanding so much why she was acting this way – and it wasn’t just the headache. It was his behavior, his perceived rejection of her, and he didn’t, honestly, know how to fix it. He couldn’t even create a good _sentence_.

Ezra pushed all that aside and closed his eyes, opening himself up to the Force and drawing on the lesson Kanan had taught him. As he did, he started to feel a little better himself, and channeled some of the healing his own way. Even sunk deep in the meditation, he was aware enough to feel his body leaning closer to hers as she did the same, until their foreheads met. His fingers still rested on her temples, working to draw the pain of the headache away, but then his hands flattened against the sides of her face, curving around it to cradle it. Sabine breathed in synch with him, and he was reluctant to end the meditation when the time came. Slowly, he lowered his hands to the bed.

He wanted to lower the shield he’d put in place between them. That would be the first step to repairing things. But he was afraid – he was so afraid – of what he’d find or feel if he did. In some ways, it felt safer to have it up.

He wouldn’t get hurt that way.

Except Sabine was already hurt.

“Ezra,” she said, and her hand found his and took it. He squeezed back, a shiver skittering over his whole body at the contact. Anticipation raced through him on the heels of the shiver. He longed for, yearned for, ached for just one kiss from her, just to feel like things were going to be all right, that that vision he’d had five years ago on the _Ghost_ , of them living together in peace with a family on Lothal wasn’t just some Force fluke, that it was _real_ , that that baby was his and he wasn’t just visiting Sabine as a friend and had read the vision all wrong. He tilted his face, just a little…she was so close…

Suddenly her hand clenched his hard enough to pinch. “Don’t. You. _Dare_ ,” she said. The warmth of her hand suddenly left his, and the bed bounced as she stood. Ezra’s eyes snapped open and he looked up at her, crestfallen. Her face might as well have been carved from stone. “Not until you stop shielding from me. I’m going to go take that walk. Don’t follow me.” She strode away toward the turbolift and disappeared behind the doors.

“I _would_ stop,” Ezra said into the empty silence, “if I actually knew how.”

* * *

Sabine didn’t return until nightfall, well after Ezra had eaten cold tinned food. He’d had a portable stove in the comms tower at one point, which Sabine had replaced. Hers, though, appeared to have run out of fuel. So all he’d been left with were bland beans and pickled fish – neither of which sat well on his knotted stomach. She came back with a take-out bag, so she must have gone into the city in their rented speeder at some point.

“Thought you might be hungry,” she said shortly before dropping the food in his lap. He was sitting in the single chair at the table, leaving her to sit on the bed.

“Thanks,” Ezra said as he opened up the bag. The smell of his favorite food wafted out, immediately warming him with a rush of happy memories. He looked up at Sabine, but she was already settled on the bed with her datapad, clearly ignoring him.

 _That was really thoughtful,_ he wanted to say. That she’d remembered what his favorite food from home was, that she’d tracked a place down and probably gone out of her way to find it. But she didn’t want to talk, so he said nothing, and he ate in silence.

* * *

This trip was supposed to be something of a vacation for Ezra, “mandatory leave,” as the Council had called it. It didn’t feel like that at all. In a lot of ways, being out in the Unknown Regions had been easier. At least there he knew how not to mess everything up, and he had a lot less anxiety. Here, though, he constantly dreaded or felt nervous about one thing or the next. Now that it was night, and therefore time to go to sleep, he wondered how that would play out. He didn’t have any hope for it, of course – he was sleeping on the hard metal floor, he knew that for certain – but he still wondered how it would go, if it would be weird.

Turned out, Sabine very determinedly made sure it wasn’t. She used the ’fresher first, and he tried very hard not to listen to the water running in the shower, instead focusing on some material Luke had sent him. However, the reading was very dry, and the thought of Sabine was very overwhelming. With a groan of frustration he switched off his datapad and got up from the table. Maybe a walk would do him some good, too.

 

A chilly breeze greeted Ezra when he walked out of the comms tower, refreshing after how close it felt up top. The grasses rustled, and a couple tookas popped their heads up and _mrrowl_ ’ed at him. He walked up to the pair and sank down to his knees to pet their heads.

“Don’t suppose either of you have relationship advice,” he muttered. “I’ve made a real mess of it.”

The brown one’s eyes closed as it started purring especially loud, and it stepped up onto Ezra’s thigh to get closer to his hand, big mouth stretched wide in a kitty grin. Ezra smiled.

“You’re probably having a nice night. I shouldn’t ruin it with my problems.”

“Especially if you’re the one standing in the way of fixing them.”

Ezra jumped so hard the cats screeched and bounded away. When he whipped around, he found himself staring right at his master, sight restored. His eyes widened.

 _“Kanan?”_ Ezra breathed.

Kanan had told Ezra about Force ghosts, of course, but when Ezra had seen the loth-wolf walk away all those years ago, he’d assumed Kanan had been gone for good. Seeing him again brought joy and sadness crashing into one another in his heart.

“Are you all right?” Kanan asked. It _would_ be the first thing he asked.

“Yeah, I’m… I mean, I guess, considering…” He paused, taking Kanan in. Wishing he were still alive so, so much. “We miss you.”

“I know. I’m not really gone, though, Ezra.”

Ezra nodded, even though that didn’t feel very true. He’d gotten used to Kanan’s absence over the last five years, but now he missed him all the more, the pain fresh and new again. He wanted to talk to him, get his advice, but he also knew Force ghosts were mercurial. He didn’t want to waste Kanan’s time.

“Everything feels so fractured right now,” Ezra said. “I’ve thrown everyone off.”

“You’re blaming yourself for something that couldn’t be avoided,” Kanan said. “For a path you _had_ to walk down. Do you blame me?”

“No.” He shook his head. “Never. I just…miss you.”

“Then you can’t blame yourself. We Jedi are servants of the Force and subject to its will. You can try to turn it and bend it, but that is not the way of things. Sometimes it just takes more time to see things clearly. Which you know.”

The vision of him and Sabine together in the future rose unbidden in his mind. “It’s also possible to misread it. I’ve done it before.”

“Yes. Do you think you’re doing that now?”

Ezra let out a quick sigh and scrubbed his face with his hands. “I don’t know anymore, Kanan. I feel like I don’t belong anymore.”

“That has nothing to do with your vision.”

“It does! It has everything to do with it. Sabine…” He gestured helplessly to the comms tower, then dropped his arm, defeated. “She doesn’t want me around anymore. She can barely stand to look at me or be near me.”

“You just spoke of misreading things.”

“ _Visions_ , not _people_.” Kanan said nothing, instead crossing his arms and waiting patiently. Ezra frowned and thought again. “Okay, yes, the problem is that there’s a block between her and me. I can’t get past it. We had this connection before, but it’s gone now. It’s my fault and I can’t fix it.”

“You’re not opening yourself up. I don’t even need to have the Force to tell that. I can see from your posture alone. You’re closed off.”

“I don’t want to get hurt again,” Ezra admitted. “I don’t want to hurt _her_ again. Even though I know that what I’m doing _is_ hurting her. But…I’m not trying to.” He sighed again. “It’s complicated. I guess…I didn’t expect it to be.”

“People are complicated. All living things are. Having relationships with them adds an extra layer.”

 _Did you ever experience this with Hera?_ Ezra wanted to ask, but didn’t. It wasn’t his business. He just didn’t have anyone else to talk to about this sort of stuff, and now that it was just him and Sabine alone on Lothal, it was even _more_ difficult.

“You’ll work through it,” Kanan assured him. “I’m confident you will. The Force wouldn’t lead you wrong.”

Ezra’s brows pinched together. “How do you even know I had that vision of me and Sabine? Did you…were you… I mean, at the time, did you know…?”

“I suspected.”

So Hera had kept their secret safe. She really had hidden it even from the man she loved. In hindsight, Ezra regretted, so much, that he and Sabine hadn’t been forthcoming, that they’d kept it to themselves. He could’ve talked to Kanan, gotten his advice, seen what he thought…shared his joy with him… But it was too late now, and his worry about the crew giving them a hard time or being weird around them seemed so foolish now. It seemed so small and trite. It didn’t even _mean_ anything.

“I wish I’d told you,” Ezra said quietly, looking into Kanan’s face. “I wanted to, but…it was so new. We wanted it for ourselves.”

“There’s…nothing wrong with that, Ezra.”

But Ezra hung his head, feeling guilty yet again. “It feels wrong now. All of it feels wrong.”

“The past?”

“No. That always felt right. I wish we hadn’t hidden it, just so I could’ve talked to you, but it didn’t feel wrong to start something.”

“How did it feel?”

“Really right. One of the rightest things I’ve ever done. Like I knew instinctually it was the right path. But how could it be, when only weeks later I left, for five years?”

“Was that the path you _wanted_ to take?” Kanan asked.

Ezra remembered the recording he’d left with Chopper after his departure with Thrawn, the Seventh Fleet, and the purrgils. “No. But it was the path I _had_ to take.”

“And the vision you had – that didn’t make you feel certain you were on the right path?” Ezra said nothing. “What did you see?”

Now Ezra’s cheeks warmed, because even though this was Kanan, the vision was intensely private. He hadn’t even really told Sabine the whole story. _I just saw us together on Lothal in peacetime,_ he’d told her. _We had a house._

 _I don’t want a house,_ she’d said. _I hate yardwork._

It had been a deflection, he knew, because the vision both scared and excited her, much as it did the same for him. He absolutely did not mention that there had been a baby involved.

“I saw us here on Lothal,” Ezra started slowly. “It was calm and peaceful. The war was over. We had a house. We were happy.”

Kanan waited a moment, but when Ezra didn’t continue, he prompted, “And?”

It took a moment for Ezra to gather the courage to go on, and his heart skipped a bit with fear at the part he was leaving out. “There was a baby.”

“A baby.”

“A little girl. Dark hair.” Once more, Kanan waited, but this time, Ezra didn’t need prompting. “It’s almost all I thought about when I was out in the Unknown Regions with Thrawn. Her. This. You guys, too.”

“So it sounds to me,” Kanan said, “that you already know which path is the right one.”

“Yes,” Ezra replied, “but it’s getting there that’s hard. If I even want to. Because…a family? I can’t, I can’t imagine something like that.”

Kanan smiled. “You don’t need to _imagine_ it, Ezra. You’ve already seen it. It’s your future. Your future is _happiness_. Safety.”

Ezra looked away from his old master as tears pricked the backs of his eyes. “You deserved that. Why didn’t you get that?”

“Because that wasn’t my path. The Force asks different things from all of us. Please don’t feel sad for me, Ezra,” he added, coming closer to him. “I’m still as near to all of you as I can be.”

Pensive again, Ezra didn’t reply right away. The grasses rustled around him in the wind, and in the distance he swore he heard the howl of a loth-wolf.

When he looked up again, Kanan was gone.

**  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand we're finally on the path to things getting better. :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ezra and Sabine attend the Festival of 10,000 Flames and work toward repairing their relationship. The white loth-cat appears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The festival is something I made up, not a canon thing. Also, this chapter is very fluffy and mushy, so be warned. :P

When Ezra got back to the top of the comms tower, Sabine was already in bed – not that he expected her to be up. He felt bolstered by his talk with Kanan, renewed, ready to start fixing things and moving forward. He knelt down next to the low bed, a cheap, knockdown one she must have hauled up here in a box sometime and assembled herself. Sabine lay on her side facing him, and he gently touched his forehead to her temple so as not to wake her.

“I’ll do whatever I have to do to fix this,” he murmured. “I promise. I know the path forward now. Just be patient with me. Please.” Brushing her hair back by her ear, he shifted his weight to stand. But suddenly, Sabine moved forward in her sleep to nuzzle into his neck.

“Go to sleep, Ezra,” she mumbled.

He cupped her jaw, pressing his cheek into the side of her head and closing his eyes. She didn’t seem to be awake, but this, somehow, felt sweeter to him, because she was doing it unconsciously. Deep down, she really did want things to work out as badly as he did.

“I’m going,” he said, and he paused a moment before adding, “I love you. I’ve never stopped.”

Then he carefully replaced her head on the pillow, and he stood to get ready for bed.

* * *

The next day dawned bright and clear. Sabine was at the portable stove when Ezra opened his eyes, blinking in the stillness. He felt well-rested for the first time in years. He felt good, for once.

Except his shoulder was stiff, he realized with a wince as he sat up in the bedroll. The New Republic had sent the bedroll with them, and it was standard military issue. Not very comfortable, and the pillow didn’t have much fluff. Ezra had certainly slept in much worse places, and with fewer amenities than a sleeping bag and pillow, but after getting shot and having no bacta, sleeping had become a lot less comfortable if he didn’t do it right. The grunt he made when he started rolling his shoulder caused Sabine to look up.

“Good morning,” she said. “Hope you like oatmeal.”

“It’s fine,” he replied, his other hand clenching the joint. He’d brought the exercises with him but hadn’t done them on the trip here. He was going to have to start if he didn’t want this to keep worsening.

“You all right?” Sabine asked. “What happened?”

He’d never told her. It had just never come up. “I got shot.”

Sabine’s jaw dropped, her face full of alarm. “What? When? Last night?”

Ezra shook his head, his shoulder beginning to loosen. “No, no. Five years ago, on the _Chimaera_. It didn’t heal properly, so it hurts sometimes.”

“Sometimes?”

“All the time.”

“Did you see a doctor?”

“Yes.”

“And?”

“There’s not much they can do after all this time. Just some exercises and anti-inflammatories.”

“Are you taking them?”

Ezra didn’t particularly care for how she was aggressively mothering him, but it was better, at any rate, than her being aloof. “No,” he said. “I don’t need medication.”

 _“Ugh,”_ she growled. “Men are so _stubborn_.”

He frowned and got out of the bedroll. “Oh, because _you_ jump to painkillers first thing?”

“Ha. Never.”

“Exactly. I can heal this on my own. I just need the time to do it.” _And the training._

“Well, you’re not sleeping on that floor again. We’ll swap.”

He didn’t say anything, and Sabine let it drop. Ezra crossed to the table and took a seat. “Smells good.”

“Thanks,” she said. “There’s not much food left here still, but we can make do.” She turned to grab bowls and flatware off another fold-out table, then started dishing the oatmeal out. “So…what do you want to do today? Have any ideas?”

“Actually,” Ezra said as he dipped his spoon in, “I do.”

It was called the Festival of 10,000 Flames, and it could be traced back hundreds of years. It marked the passage into Lothal’s spring, celebrated by lighting candles for those who had passed. It was fitting that it occurred when they happened to be on-planet. Ezra and his family had gone every year, he remembered, even though the Empire had mostly made it into a farce. After his parents had disappeared, he’d used the event as his best opportunity for pickpocketing and stocking up on food and wares.

They took their time walking down the streets of Capital City. Ezra looked around in awe at everything that had been done in his absence. The city was thriving again, people laughing and talking and mingling and not afraid for once. He caught Sabine smiling at him, and he smiled back.

They stood in the middle of the market, looking at the booths that had been set up specially for the festival. When Ezra felt the lightest of tugs at his pants pocket, he turned to the offender with a smile.

“Bad technique,” he said. The kid couldn’t have been more than seven, his own age when he’d been turned out on the street. “Let me show you how it’s done.” The boy arched a dark, defiant brow. Sabine had her focus on the jewelry stall next to them, and though she was always aware of her situation, Ezra figured he’d be able to get this past her no problem. He quickly snaked a hand into the slanted pocket of her jacket and withdrew three coins. A five and two ones. Not bad, but not great.

Crouching down to the boy’s level, Ezra held the coins out in his palm. “Get yourself something to eat,” he said. “And try to find someone to take you in. Ask anyone. Everyone. Someone will take you.”

“I don’t need anyone,” the boy retorted with a glare as he slid the coins away into his own pocket.

“Trust me,” Ezra said. “You do.”

He turned back to Sabine as the boy shook his head. She hadn’t moved at the booth.

“Try that again,” she said in a low voice, “and I will cut your hand off.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he replied blandly.

They walked along, enjoying the sun, vendors, and festive mood. Even though it was a day of mourning those who had passed on, it was also a day of letting go, of moving on. Candles flickered everywhere they looked, lit in places that reminded people of those they’d lost.

Ezra’s steps slowed as they drew up to one of the squares. If they took a right, they’d head down the street to a quiet courtyard his parents used to take him to. Did it still look the same? So many years later?

“This way,” he said as he nodded his head and turned. They only had to walk a few blocks before they came upon it. Ezra’s hand tightened around the two white candles he held in his left hand. It didn’t look the same. It looked…better. The old tree in the middle bloomed healthy and full of red fruit and green life, the carved inlaid stones around it had been swept and washed, and flowers had been replanted in boxes. The same faded, beat-up bench was still there, but it had been repaired. The grass grew green and thick. Ezra had never seen the courtyard looking so healthy. He walked up to the bench and crouched down next to it, running his hand over the back. Why would this ugly old bench still be here when the rest of the courtyard looked so good?

Then he saw it: words carved into the very last slat at the back, in the middle, unobtrusive unless one were looking for them.

_For Ephraim & Mira Bridger_

Ezra shot to his feet and whirled toward Sabine. She stared right back at him, as if she’d been watching him the whole time.

“You did this?” he asked quietly. “This…all this?”

“You mentioned it once,” she said. “It was a wreck. I thought – ”

But he had crossed the courtyard to her again and grabbed her in a hug, pulling her tight to him. The moment their bodies connected, he felt the barrier between them start to break apart, dissolving little by little. Sabine’s breath caught quietly, and he knew she must feel it, too. The shield hadn’t gone down all the way yet, but…it was getting there.

“Thank you,” Ezra whispered into her shoulder, not trusting himself to speak any louder. His eyes felt wet, and he blinked against it. Sabine hugged him back tightly, and when she breathed out against him, it just made him bury his face deeper and want to stand there forever in the sun holding her.

“Come on,” she finally said, patting his back. “You should light your candles here.”

He reluctantly released her and turned back to the tree. As he approached it again, he struck a match and lit the wicks. Sabine hung back.

Ezra knelt and pushed the candlesticks into the soft dirt in front of the tree. Then he sat back on his heels and stared at the dancing flames, thinking back on what little he remembered of his parents, thinking about what they would want. It was always so trite, he thought, to say, “It’s what they would want” after a person passed, but he found himself thinking that in this moment…because he knew. They wouldn’t want him lingering in darkness like he had been doing. They’d want him happy, free, enjoying his life.

_I just wish so much that you could be here for it._

He clasped his hands together on his legs and bowed his head, letting the memories and sadness wash through him. He’d let go long ago, but at times like this, their passing felt especially hard.

When he opened his eyes and blinked against the sun, a flash of white caught his peripheral vision. He turned his head…

…to see the white loth-cat.

Frowning, he pushed himself up from the ground. On a side street leading away from the courtyard, the cat sat on its haunches, front paws straight up, and swished its tail. It chirped at him.

“Sabine,” Ezra said.

“Is that what I think it is?” she asked as she walked up to him. The cat meowed and turned, bounding away into the alley. Ezra followed, jogging to keep up with it as it dashed down another side street.

It led them into a quiet neighborhood of small, cozy-looking homes like the one Ezra had grown up in. The street was well-maintained, tall trees provided shade from the sun, and residents had lovely landscaped yards with bright flowers blooming. The white loth-cat slowed its pace now as it walked up the sidewalk, tail held up high and hindquarters swinging.

“Do you know this place?” Sabine asked. Ezra shook his head.

“I have no idea where it’s taking us.”

They came up to a shabby home, obviously abandoned and in need of love, and the loth-cat turned up the walk. It climbed the two steps to the front stoop, sat, and wiggled its ears. Ezra looked at Sabine and shrugged, then followed it again. He keyed the front door, which opened silently.

“Hello?” he called, even though he knew no one was here. Dust motes swirled in the beams of sunlight coming in through the windows. The interior was empty, but the house showed no signs of violence or lack of care. Whoever had lived here had simply left, not been dragged off during the night by stormtroopers.

“Why are we here?” Sabine said quietly. The white loth-cat jumped into a window and swished its tail again, sunlight making its fur shine. Ezra reached out to pet it for a moment, then placed his palm against the wall and closed his eyes.

Immediately the image of the previous family flashed into his mind, and he smiled to see them all happy. The parents played with their two children here in the living room, and there was so much love. Keeping his eyes closed, Ezra trailed his hand along the walls, moving down a short hallway into a smaller room. The parents’ room. They’d had their share of rough times, like any couple, but it only made their love stronger. She liked to pull pranks on him, and he loved buying her gifts. Ezra moved on to the next room. The children’s room.

He only saw a brief glimpse of their lives in here before he saw two other figures, first blurry and dark, leaning over a crib and looking down at their baby. The paint on the wall, the decorations, the furniture, had shifted. The vision lightened, bringing more clarity…

And with it, understanding: this was his and Sabine’s future home, and they were looking at their child.


	6. Chapter 6

Ezra turned unconsciously toward that place in the room, as if reaching out for the vision. But as his hand left the wall, it evaporated. His eyes shot open and he blinked rapidly, totally disoriented. When he turned around to look for Sabine, she was already there, standing a few paces behind him. Before she could even ask anything, he stepped up to her and took her face in his hands, not even thinking.

“Sabine, I saw…” he started. Sabine looked into his eyes, her mouth slightly open, as if she anticipated what he was going to say. Her hands came up to wrap around his wrists.

“What is it?” she asked calmly, but he could sense her heart beating hard, and he felt the barrier between them lower more and more. “What did you see?”

“This is going to be our home,” he said. “This is the baby’s room and – ”

But he didn’t get any further because she stretched up to kiss him, and with that kiss, the barrier completely shattered and he could feel everything between them again completely. She breathed deeply at the same time he felt it, and he knew that she had felt the connection, too. The sun shone in through a window right over where he’d seen the crib, warming the side of his face, and he thought that there had never been a more perfect moment in his life. His hands dropped to her waist under her jacket and tugged her closer. He kept them where they were, but he was burning up now and not just because of the warm weather. He wanted to feel Sabine’s skin, see if it was as hot as his. He wanted to hold her tighter and see if she was trembling as he knew he was.

When they parted, Sabine draped her arms over his shoulders. “I like it,” she whispered. “But all the paint has to go.”

\---

The sun had grown weaker and the sky darker by the time they made it back to their speeder, indicating an oncoming rain shower.

“It won’t last long,” Ezra said as he peered up at the clouds. “Won’t ruin the festival.”

“That’s good,” Sabine replied. “Would be really sad if it got rained out.”

“It’s held no matter what, but yeah, it does put a damper on things when you’re trying to light a candle in the rain.”

They picked up some lunch on their way out of the city, then put up the roof of their speeder before getting in. Raindrops started falling a minute later.

The silence on the ride back didn’t feel as awkward as the ones before had. Ezra longed to touch Sabine again, still needing reassurance and validation. She looked as cool and collected as ever. The rain started coming down harder as they got closer to the comms tower, although it looked like the shower would mostly miss the city and spare the festival. Sabine parked the speeder near the base of the tower and got out, crossing in front of the passenger side. Ezra abruptly caught her wrist.

“Does it scare you?” he asked, as the rain poured down on them.

She knew exactly what he was referring to. “A little, I guess,” she replied. “That’s a little faster than I wanted to be moving.”

“It’s not like it’s going to happen tomorrow.”

“No, I know how babies are made.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

Sabine’s fist clenched and relaxed, the tendons of her wrist moving under his fingers. “Does it scare _you_?”

“No,” he answered honestly. “Because I wouldn’t want my future to be with anyone else, whatever that future is and whatever it holds. I know things are – ” He hesitated, not wanting to make it worse when it seemed to be getting better. “Weird right now,” he said carefully. “I know things aren’t working out the way either of us wanted. I knew a long time ago that we’d be apart for a while; I just didn’t know how long or…or how hard it would be to come back.” Realizing he was still gripping her wrist – tightly – Ezra released it and took a step back, giving Sabine some space. “You were all I thought about when I was out there,” he continued quietly. “You, that vision, that night… It kept me going. But as the years went by, I started to lose faith, you know? I thought I might never come back. And it wasn’t you,” he clarified. “I knew you’d find me. It was just that so _much_ time had passed. Eventually I just worried a lot.”

“I imagine you had a lot to worry about,” Sabine said.

“Yeah, in general, yeah, but… I meant about you and me. That you’d moved on, when I hadn’t.”

Sabine crossed her arms and shook her head fiercely. “No,” she said. “I never moved on. Every day I was stuck back in the day you left. Every day hurt. I didn’t blame you for it, and I wasn’t mad at you, but it _hurt_. And living here…” Her eyes rose up, up, up, to the top of the comms tower, and rivulets of rainwater streaked backward into her hair. “It was my choice, and I wanted to, but it was hard.”

Ezra felt his entire face crumple at her words, and he put his hands over his eyes. He hated that he’d done this to her, even if it had been against his will. The water trickling under his shirt chilled him, and the warmth between them earlier was now gone. He wondered, yet again, how they’d ever be able to get it back.

But then Sabine moved closer to him and took his hand away. “ _We_ are never going to be able to move on from _that_ , though,” she said, “if you don’t stop beating yourself up for what you couldn’t help. For doing the right thing.”

He leaned into her as she wrapped her arms around him, and he held her back. She was right, as she usually was, but the words were easier than the action. He only had a couple moments to contemplate this, though, because Sabine moved back from him again, just a little, and before he could think any further about it she had her lips against his again. She tasted of rainwater, her lips warm and wet with droplets. Even though they’d kissed earlier, it took Ezra a couple seconds to get used to it again, to refamiliarize himself after going without much friendly human contact for five and a half years. He had missed her so much, and having her here, now, real and wanting him back, with the memory of their future hovering on the edge of his consciousness, he felt overwhelmed by it all. Sabine pressed herself against him so that he leaned back against the speeder, and her fingers threaded into his wet hair to keep his face close to hers.

“I finally like your hair again,” she said with a smile. “Let’s get inside. I’m soaked.”

Ezra retrieved their lunch from the interior of the speeder. Once at the top of the tower, he set it on the table while Sabine dug in her duffel for a change of clothes.

“I’m going to take a shower,” she announced. “Don’t get any ideas.”

“Wasn’t planning on it,” Ezra replied, opening up the take-out bag. “I’m hungry. Trumps shower ideas. Besides, that shower is _small_.”

“Seriously, how did we ever _feed you_?” she remarked as she headed toward the ’fresher. Ezra smiled and grabbed a plate from the makeshift sink.

Sabine came back out in dry clothes ten minutes later, toweling her hair off. “Did you leave me any, or…?”

“I left you plenty.” Ezra got up from the table, grabbed his own change of clothes, and went back to the ’fresher for a quick shower. One thing he did not like about having more hair was that when it got wet, it had a longer dry time. Sabine’s would be dry faster than his at this rate.

Sabine had finished eating by the time he finished showering, and she was just putting the leftovers into the small cooler. “Anything else you want to do?” she asked. “Kind of weird having all this time to ourselves. I’m so used to being shot at.”

“Yeah, it is odd.” Ezra folded one leg under him and sank down onto the bed. The scent of her wafted up to his nose when he did, and he had to shake himself lest he get distracted. It was all too easy around her. “Hiking? There are a few places in the mountains that I really want to show you. You’ll love them.”

Sabine smiled at him in a way that made his cheeks warm, and he fought the urge not to look away or drop his gaze. “Sure,” she said. “That sounds nice. I’d also be up for rock-climbing.”

“Sounds fun. Let’s pack up and go.”

* * *

They stayed out all afternoon into early evening, at which point they passed back through town again for dinner. Instead of ordering via her datapad, though, Sabine put the speeder in park.

“You know what?” she said, and gave him a shrug. “Let’s go in.”

Ezra raised his eyebrows. “In?”

“Yes,” she said patiently. “Get out of the speeder, and walk in. Sit down, and – ”

“I get it, I get it,” he cut her off irritably. He looked over at the transparisteel windows and patrons dining inside. “But why would we want to do that?”

She sighed in frustration. “Because we’re civilized people?”

“I haven’t been to a restaurant in fifteen years.”

“Same here, Ezra. It can’t be that hard. Out.” She shoved him in the shoulder and then climbed over the center console to follow him out of the vehicle. She’d parked on the curb, and the traffic flowing past hadn’t slowed, making an exit from her side nearly impossible. A bell clanged when they crossed over the open threshold of the restaurant.

“Good evening,” the hostess said with a bright smile. “Will you be dining in or carrying out tonight?”

“Uh…” Ezra replied.

“Eating here,” Sabine said.

“How many in your party?”

“It’s not a party,” Ezra answered, confused, as Sabine said in an annoyed voice, “Just two.”

The hostess looked over at Ezra and arched a brow. “Not from around here?”

“You’d be surprised,” Sabine said. “Can we just eat, please?”

Once they were seated and flicking through menus, Ezra said, “You know, I feel like I said the wrong thing.” Sabine snorted.

“What gave you _that_ impression?”

He smiled and looked over the menu. “Who’s paying for all this, anyway? I sure don’t have an income. I’m a nonprofit.”

“The New Republic gave us some creds to get by. Not much, but we do have to eat. Unless you want those old cans I have back at the tower.”

“Seeing as you have exactly everything I hate, no thanks.”

“Then it’s a damn good thing I won’t be cooking for you.”

“Well, I don’t cook, either.”

Sabine kicked him under the table.

A cheerful server walked up at that moment, big smile on her face. “Aww, are you two out for your festival dinner tonight?”

“We’re just hungry,” Sabine said before launching into her order. After the server left the table, the two sat in contented silence, watching the street outside. “This is weird,” Sabine finally mused. “That this is people’s lives. Not like what we have.”

Their dinners didn’t take long to arrive, and Sabine raised a critical eyebrow when they were about halfway through.

“I haven’t even said anything,” Ezra said. “What did I do wrong?”

“Are you even going to _touch_ your vegetables?” she asked.

“No. I don’t like those.”

 “I can’t even remember the last time I saw you eat one on the _Ghost_.”

“Nothing is worse than a rehydrated vegetable.”

Sabine scoffed and went back to her own meal. “We had good food back home. I miss it sometimes.”

“We should go back sometime, then.”

“No thanks. I’m good.”

The first thought that crossed Ezra’s mind was that they would, eventually, have to go back, or at least he would, because he wanted her family’s blessing if this was going to be an official, serious relationship. Not that he necessarily enjoyed the thought of asking Ursa Wren if he could be with her daughter, but it seemed like the honorable thing to do. He’d already had his awkward moment with Alrich and survived it, so perhaps that wouldn’t be as difficult. Ursa, however, was liable to just outright murder him just for thinking about it.

Neither of them left any food on their plates for leftovers, so they paid and returned to the speeder. The drive was comfortably silent, and Ezra enjoyed watched the lights of the city flicker by outside the windows. The short rain shower from earlier had stopped and dried up long ago, and they had the top down again. The warm night air was clean in his lungs, and it felt so _good_ to be back on his homeworld, free from the Empire and everything it entailed.

Unfortunately, however, the companionability that had been with them in the speeder and even at the restaurant faded upon stepping into the emptiness and privacy of the comms tower. Now, it was just them. Them, and their problems and feelings and things they needed to work out. They separated when they stepped off the lift, Ezra turning right and Sabine walking straight, and he kept his eyes away from her as he took his jacket off and unhooked his lightsaber. His mind tumbled over itself as he brushed his thumb along the handle, wishing he were better at this. He was so good at connecting with living things, but Sabine… It still didn’t feel easy right now. Better, but not easy. An image of those days together before he left five and a half years ago leapt up into his mind and punched him in the gut, and he grit his teeth, wishing so badly those days could’ve lasted longer or that they could go back to the innocence of them. Even after their night together on Yavin 4, they hadn’t been able to spend all _that_ much time together. Finding time when no one else was looking had proven just as difficult as they’d anticipated. There had only been a handful of nights when Ezra had been able to sneak into Sabine’s cabin and share her bunk, but he didn’t sleep well, always worried that they’d be found out, and so _aware_ , besides, of her presence there, of the feel and sense of her. So all they’d really gotten were stolen kisses and hasty touches in the dark. He’d wanted _more_ , known she had, too, but there just…hadn’t been the time or the place for it. Then Kanan…

They’d helped each other get through that. Their passion had dwindled to holding one another to get through the overwhelming, gut-wrenching waves of massive grief. Ezra couldn’t even remember the last time he’d kissed Sabine before coming back. Had he kissed her before that day with Pryce and Thrawn? Had he? He knew he’d meant to, a kiss goodbye…

It suddenly felt too claustrophobic inside the tower, and Ezra keyed the door to go outside to the deck. Up here the wind blew harder, and he grabbed onto the railing and closed his eyes, letting the wind take his thoughts with it. After a few moments, the door behind him opened again, and Sabine joined him.

“I used to come out here at night, too,” she said as she curled her own fingers around the railing. She tilted her head up to the sky. “I’d look up at the stars and wonder which one you were near. Was it that one, that one…maybe that one way out there.” She pointed at three in turn. “Then I’d look back at the city, think about what I was doing the next day, hope you were happy with it…that you would be when you found out and came back here…”

“I am,” Ezra said. “It’s great. Everything you’ve done has been…” He searched for the right word, staring at the lights of Capital City. “Extraordinary.” Letting his weight sag down onto the railing, he said, “I just wish everything else were fixed, too.”

Sabine slid closer to him and laid her head on his shoulder. “They might be more fixed than you realize,” she said. “I waited five and a half years. I’m not going anywhere.”

He flushed at the admission and put his arm around her, tucking her into his side. She was right, of course.

She usually was.


	7. Chapter 7

Once the hour had grown late enough, they each got ready to turn in. Sabine insisted Ezra take the single bed.

“Your shoulder can’t take another night on metal plating,” she said. “Did you even do your exercises today?”

“No…” he admitted shamefully.

“Then take the damn bed.”

She marched off to finish washing up, leaving that as the final word on the matter. Ezra felt secretly relieved anyway, because the floor had been terribly uncomfortable. That being said, he didn’t want Sabine to have to sleep on it. The bed was narrow, but not any narrower than the one they’d shared on Yavin 4…

However, when Sabine came back out of the ’fresher, she walked straight toward the sleeping bag and climbed into it before Ezra could say anything. He shut his mouth and rethought his strategy. It wasn’t so much that he was trying to make a move; he genuinely just did not want her sleeping on the floor.

“Sabine,” he said into the dark. “That floor is not comfortable. Come on.”

She opened her eyes to peer up at him. He held his hand out to her, an open invitation if she chose to take it. Their roles were reversed now, mimicking her invitation to him on Yavin 4. For just a moment Sabine didn’t move, and a note of fear struck Ezra’s heart.

But then she withdrew her body from the bag and allowed him to pull her up and into the low bed. She fit her body along his, nuzzling into him like a tooka with her arm over his chest and her head pillowed on his shoulder. He redistributed the covers around them, then wrapped his arm around her, holding her close and safe. Sabine let out a contented sigh.

“You’re right,” she said. “This is much more comfortable.”

“Thought so.”

The problem was, he was holding her now, the scent of her hair in his nose, the weight of her chest against his and the rest of her body along his. That made his blood rush in his veins, his heart beat faster, his body temperature rise. She wasn’t immune to the situation, either: he could feel all of that and more over their shared connection; she was just hiding it extremely well, lying calmly with her eyes closed.

“Do you know,” Ezra finally said in an even voice, “how hard it is to share a bed with you?”

“Not hard for me,” Sabine replied.

“It is for me.”

“Do I need to go back to the floor?”

“No. Just thought I’d make you aware.”

“I’m aware.”

But he couldn’t take it anymore. Her nearness, her sense, the emotions between them flowing back and forth over their connection…he was completely overloaded. With his free hand he tilted her chin up, and she looked at him for only a moment before he kissed her. Kissing her again like this, with his body so charged, felt like fireworks going off in his brain. She didn’t resist, either; instead, she pushed herself up closer to him to kiss him back, and she adjusted her body over his.

It couldn’t have been more than a minute later that she spoke.

“I’m not afraid anymore,” she whispered. “I’m not afraid of falling in love with you.”

Ezra didn’t reply, his brain shocked by her unexpected words. His fingers traced her cheek, and he couldn’t believe how quick his heart beat, how sharp his breaths came. “Why?” he asked, his voice softer even than hers.

Sabine’s hands tensed on his shoulders, her fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt. He consciously forced his own hands not to tighten on her waist as he waited for whatever she was about to say next, but the anticipation threatened to stop his breathing completely.

“Because I already have,” she said, and even if he could’ve been able to say anything (which he doubted), she cut off any chance for words with another kiss. He barely registered her hands shoving his shirt up and off, moving completely by instinct, just wanting, right now, to hold her in his arms and feel her weight and truth and realness against him. He pulled her down, reclining back against the pillow, and when she ran her hand up his bare side before touching his face again, it ignited another shower of sparks inside him that he couldn’t seem to get under control. He felt desperate to touch every part of her and have her do the same to him, but he was shaky from her admission and felt, even more, the need to hold himself back. Because if this was their second chance – if the universe had truly been so kind – he was terrified to think of it going up in flames again, Force vision or not. So even though his hands fisted her top, though her skin burned beneath his lips, he made no move to take things further. He was too afraid to tempt fate again.

Sabine, though, had always been much bolder. She sat up and whisked her top off over her head before leaning down to him again, and he barely had a chance to take in this new image of her before she’d pressed herself against him. Before, they’d been so shy around one another – he still felt that way – but apparently for her, with years and parsecs between them, that had fallen by the wayside and she didn’t care anymore. The thing was, as he kissed her, as the desire within him grew, so, too, did the fear. He desperately wanted to do this, and his soul ached for that closeness with her. But he feared that taking that step again, crossing that boundary, would only bring him – them – closer to the other thing he’d glimpsed, fuzzy and vague. It clung like the threads of a nightmare in the dawn to her, distant and out of focus, but there all the same. While Ezra knew that their future as a couple years down the line boded well as told by his earlier visions, there was still something in between that, something much earlier, that dropped a leaden weight into his stomach. He wanted to give in – terribly – even knowing that last time had been so intense as to take his breath away, and just having her pressed so close to him with not even a micron of distance between their bodies already threatened to strip all control from him. Going any further would consume him in every way, and if he sealed things between them, it would likewise seal whatever the darkness was he was sensing before her. The thinking was irrational – he couldn’t delay or dislodge a path the Force had set him on on more than any other Jedi could – but he had to feel that in some way, some part of this was in his control. Even if being with her, touching her, kissing her, all made him feel totally _out_ of control.

“Sabine,” he finally breathed when he could, “I can’t.”

“Why not?” she asked in a voice just as breathless. She moved her palm to his chest, and feeling her skin against his again nearly wrenched his resolve away.

“Just trust me on this,” he answered, but neither of them made any move to stop for a moment, until he physically pulled away and looked into her eyes once she opened them. “You have to trust me.”

But she knew him too well. “You saw something,” she said. “You’re trying to shut me out again. Whatever it is, we face it together.”

She was right again, much as he tried to resist it: already he’d felt her presence over their connection start to dim in his mind as he’d begun to put the walls of self-preservation up. Her words, though, straight to the point, exactly what he needed to hear, eroded him completely, and the full brightness of her came surging back into his mind like a supernova. Along with it came all the longing and want and desire of five and a half years away from her, and he knew, then, that trying to resist any of this had been a foolish idea, and they would indeed face whatever lay ahead side by side rather than with him trying to protect her by pushing her away. Doing so only made them each weaker.

Ezra kissed her again, his fingers digging into her shoulder blades as he held her, and they made quick work of their remaining clothes. Her head fell to the crook of his neck, and he consciously relaxed his hands, knowing he was holding her too tight. This time, he let her set the pace – even if he’d wanted to be in control, his was so far gone at this point as to be nonexistent. She clung to him tighter than she had that first time, hardly breaking from him for a moment. He dared to touch more of her, exploring but tentative, and he felt her excitement thrum through him over their bond and hoped she felt the same from him. He didn’t feel any more confident or sure of himself than he had last time, but with the bond fully open between them from the beginning of it, the experience was different from before. His arms wrapped low around her waist, holding her as close as he could and not wanting her to be any farther than she had to be.

Then Sabine pulled back just far enough to look into his eyes, her hands cradling his face. “Ezra,” she said. “I love you.”

She’d admitted it minutes before, but actually hearing the words was something else entirely. It felt as though his heart literally stopped, as if this moment in space and time had stopped, too, and all Ezra could do was look at her in wonder. This image of her immediately etched itself indelibly into his mind, inked there for eternity. He was utterly speechless, but Sabine didn’t look like she needed a response from him. Instead, she brushed one hand back over his hair and whispered, “Please don’t go away again.”

“I won’t,” Ezra found himself promising, and it was an unfair promise, maybe, even with peace in the galaxy. But he knew in that instant that it was a true one, and one that he could keep.

He wanted so much more for them, more than fighting and running and stress and war. He _wanted_ that future that he’d seen. He _wanted_ to come home to her every night, have a daily routine and a family with her. Whether or not the New Republic would leave them – and him especially, being a Jedi – alone was another matter entirely, and probably one he had absolutely no control over. But here, now, in the isolation of the comms tower, far away on Lothal, with Sabine relinquishing control over to him and letting him determine their pace now, it felt like a real possibility. Like anything could happen, like it wasn’t just some dream to be left in peace to live out a quiet life.

Afterward, Ezra lay on his side next to Sabine, looking down into her face. The sheet was at his waist now, but neither of them moved it. They didn’t need words, content to watch each other, fingers tangling together, still pressed close together.

Then out of the blue, Sabine asked, “Did Kanan ever talk to you about sex?”

Caught off guard, Ezra laughed. “Once?” he replied.

“Was it awkward?”

“It was so awkward.”

Sabine looked up at the ceiling and put her arm behind her head. “Hera talked to me. My mom never got into that stuff. I’m not sure she ever would’ve.”

“I think Kanan was happier avoiding it, to be honest.”

She didn’t speak for a moment. “I miss him.”

“I do, too.” Ezra dropped down onto his back. “I saw him the other night. Our first night here. I talked to him.”

“Wait, you _what_?”

“Force ghost.”

“Ah.”

“He said he knew. About us.”

“He probably did. Get any good advice?”

Ezra smiled. “Yes,” he said. “I think I did.”

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi to me on [tumblr](https://loth-cat-loth-cat.tumblr.com)!


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